It’s been almost four years now but it haunts me every single time someone mentions the word ‘crazy’. It used to be my favourite go-to word when someone mentioned something absurd. For example my best friend would say “I need to go on a diet today,” and my first response would be “ you’re crazy.” But ever since this certain incident or event in my life, ‘crazy’ now seems like something so real, something that terrifies me, something that reminds me of how easily you can lose someone.
6 years ago, I started dating A. The way our romance started was indeed a story to tell, but little did I know, the ending to our relationship was going to be more of a story rather than just history. A and I met in university during our second year, on one drunk night out. I had a boyfriend back then but he was at home. I was introduced to A through a mutual friend and we hit it off instantly while we were both sober. As the night went on we bumped into each other again, this time slightly more intoxicated, our conversation became more interesting and we both soon started dancing the night away. He came close to kiss but I had to stop myself because I knew it wouldn’t be right. I told him I had to go and I left for the night.
A was a very ‘fun’ guy with a great sense of humour that everyone enjoyed. He was basically always the life of the party and a very sociable person, which everyone liked. As months passed, I knew I really liked this guy and that I had to call it quits with my boyfriend back home as I was losing interest in him. After the summer break (we kept in touch the entire summer through drunk Skype calls and text messages every single day), I was excited for uni to start again so that I can finally ‘be’ with him. It took us months before we realised we were in a serious committed relationship and next thing I knew, I was living in with him and everyone assumed we were a pair even before we talked about it.
Fast forward a couple of months, we only had some time left before we would finish our degrees and part ways. However, we still didn’t talk about the part where we’d have to be doing long-distance. Graduation came and went and the most saddest day of my life happened, we said goodbye to each other, this time realising that this could be the last time we’d see each other in a long time because by this time I had already secured a job and he got accepted to do his Masters’ in London. So I knew, it would take me some time to save up if I wanted to visit him.
After a few months into our LDR, something strange happened.
We still kept our relationship going on, we had a good communication pattern going on – after-work/in between classes and everything else, things were going fine. We really missed each other and sometimes the frustration and uncertainty would get to the both of us and we’d end up fighting and patching back up as if it was a norm. After a few months into our LDR, something strange happened. A went completely off the grid for a few days, I panicked. I kept calling every hour, no reply. After the fourth day, he resurfaced and apologized, saying he had problems with his internet and phone and things like that.
As time went on he would go missing and resurface again after a few days, but by then I was already used to it and figured it must have been a problem with his internet or his bills etc. I was fine with it until the extreme happened, he had gone missing for two weeks and nobody had seen him or been in contact with him. I kept calling his friends from his home country and also those around London, I even had to ‘Facebook stalk’ some of his classmates if they had been with him which they said they haven’t seen him in weeks. He must have had some sort of access to the internet plus he wasn’t exactly living in poor, third-world country either, it was London for pits sake. At this point, I was worried, I was sad, I was angry most of all because nobody deserved to be treated that way, being left in the dark like that. I knew something was fishy and I started to assume the worst, was he cheating on me? Was he into some shady business? Was he dead?
After close to three weeks, he miraculously got in contact with me again and kept apologizing profusely without a reason to his behaviour. But he sounded different this time. After months of not being active on Facebook he suddenly started posting up weird statuses and commenting on his friend’s posts. His friends back home simply thought he was being his ‘fun’ self and was intentionally being weird until a couple of his close friends realised that this wasn’t really him. He was on a completely different level and was trying to convince everyone about his new ‘findings and epiphanies’. His friends and I – all in different parts of the world decided that something was definitely wrong with this guy.
“We can’t be together but I promise, we’ll be together soon, in another life,” he said.
He then called me and told me that he had to let me go because it was the right thing to do. “We can’t be together but I promise, we’ll be together soon, in another life,” he said. This sentence was enough to freak me out. I knew he wasn’t being himself, he had actually gone crazy for real. On the phone, he’d be talking normally one second and the next he’d be on a roll talking, talking really fast about things that have no connection to anything whatsoever. He also got in touch with my best friend and told her to ‘take care’ of me when he’s gone. I was so afraid at this point that every time he said bye to me I’d immediately have to call up another friend to start talking to him just so he doesn’t hurt himself. I kept on holding on to my heart every minute, and was constantly praying that he wouldn’t do anything or that this wasn’t anything permanent. People were already thinking that he had gone crazy because of me!
It really is funny how someone you admired and fell in love with for being almost ‘the happiest guy’ around, could also be the one suffering the most.
I immediately called up his parents and told them what happened, they were just as worried and literally got on the next plane to London. Surprisingly enough, he didn’t rebel about coming home or seeing a doctor, his parents then did the right thing and took him to see a professional where they diagnosed him with severe depression. After a few sessions and after the ‘crazy’ phase had lessened, he admitted about the lying he did to me and everyone else. He was never out of internet, he just didn’t want to talk to anyone because he was giving up and felt like a disappointment to everyone. He literally just shut off from the world in hopes that things will get better – with me, with his future (he had been having problems with his studies too). He also resorted to continuous drug usage which eventually clogged up his mind resulting in him having altered perceptions about the world and his position in it. He has since been under medication and knows when to seek help. Today, he’s back to his normal self and although we’re not together anymore we still keep in touch and he tells me how sorry he is to have put me through those moments of grief, knowing that anything could have happened if no one tried to help. I finally now know how it’s like to have someone’s life in my own hands and trust me, it’s not a situation I’d ever want anyone to experience. It really is funny how someone you admired and fell in love with for being almost ‘the happiest guy’ around, could also be the one suffering the most.